Language That Preserves Community
by Ed Rowell
INJOY Consulting Editor
My friend Bill Hybels has taught me the importance of
helping teams develop a strategy for talking about tough issues without damaging
the people involved. The following are phrases that have evolved out of the
Willow Creek leadership teams. You will find several you can use on your team. I
also hope you will develop some key phrases for your own use.
When you hear an idea that sounds crazy at first, say, "Help
me understand."
 | This keeps the focus on the idea without making a
premature judgment about the validity of the idea. It also keeps us from
making light of what another person really believes will be helpful. |
When someone is being dogmatic about an issue, say, "Can
I push back on that a little bit?"
| This phrase reminds everyone that all ideas are open to
discussion, and that it isn't fair to the team to shut down the discussion. |
When presenting a big risk or a radical idea, say, "Give
me an umbrella of mercy here."
| In other words, "Don't laugh out loud." An
idea deserves to be heard without immediately shooting it out of the sky. |
When there's a general uneasiness in the meeting, say, "There's
an elephant in the room."
| We've all been in those meetings where we sensed some
tension and everyone pretended it wasn't there. This phrase gives permission
to acknowledge that tension, which then opens the door to address and
resolve it. |
When someone is whining, blaming, or rehashing the
obvious, say, "Can we get on the solution
side of this problem?"
| I'm always amazed at people who think that seeing a
problem that is obvious to everyone is some kind of gift. Once the problem
has been identified, the only discussions worth pursuing are those that can
lead to resolving the problem. |
When you need to speak hard truth, say, "With
your permission, I'd like to give you the last ten percent."
| This phrase is built on the premise that the first
ninety percent of what we need to tell one another is easy. It is the last
ten percent that is usually left unsaid because it is so hard to say. Asking
for permission to share the hard part puts the responsibility for growth on
the shoulders of the person who will receive the last ten percent. They then
have the option of receiving it, or saying, "Now is not a good time for
me emotionally. Can we do it another time?" Either way, everyone knows
there is unfinished business, and healthy relationships are strengthened as
we "speak the truth in love" to one another. |
After a difficult meeting, say, "Are
we all right with each other?"
| We've all been in situations where we got a little too
passionate about an issue, or phrased responses in ways that were too
strong, and inadvertently wounded people around us. This phrase reminds us
that relationships are primary. To reach every one of our goals and lose our
friendships in the process would be a hollow victory. Caring about the
answer to this question insures we all reach the goal line together. |
This article is used by permission from Dr. John
C. Maxwell's free monthly e-newsletter Leadership
Wired (March 2001 issue) available at http://www.INJOY.com
. This information may not be used for resale in any manner.
© 2001 The INJOY Group, Inc.
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