People Spots
Online
Produced by James W.
Moss, Sr., and Church Consultants
Provided as a service by New Life Ministries
Criticism
by James W. Moss, Sr.Either the giving of criticism or receiving of it should be a sensitive subject for Christian leaders.
Offering criticism
There is a basic rule in life: praise is given in public and criticism in private. Publicly compliment those who are worthy of praise. It is especially important to share that praise in front of people they care for. I will never forget meeting the mother of one of our young pastors. I looked at her and said, "Your son is one of our finest pastors." It seemed that he grew six inches taller. However, an affirmation always has to be the truth. A false affirmation is manipulation.
If you have to criticize a person, do it in private. It is cruel to criticize someone in front of others. If it is a modest course correction, share the criticism one on one. If it deals with a major issue, then have a third person to listen and confirm what you did or didn’t say. I even urge parents to take children aside and give needed criticism in private. Don’t criticize them in front of the other children in the family or in front of their friends.
Direct the criticism at what’s wrong and not who’s wrong. Always remember it is the behavior that is wrong and not the person. A major league ball player may say to an umpire, "That was a rotten call," and generally get away with it. If he says, "You are a rotten umpire!," he will experience a quick exit from the game. If ever you say or imply that the person you are criticizing is a rotten person, you will be "thrown out of the game" and alienate that person. Remember, the behavior is bad and not the person.
Don’t criticize when you are tired, ill, or angry. If you do, the criticism will come out harsher than you have intended. Saying "I’m sorry," though important, only partially removes the pain. Those nasty words keep lingering in the mind and spirit of the person who was the object of your ugly words.
Don’t criticize competitors. You advertise competitors when you publicly criticize them. As a Christian, be very careful in publicly criticizing another pastor or church. When any part of the body hurts, the whole body hurts. Someone said, "If you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything." A recent fortune cookie said, "Speak only well of people and you need never whisper."
The following are some filters you should use when you are about to level a criticism at another person.
 | Can the issue be changed? Have you leveled the same criticism 72 times before? Will a 73rd time make a difference? This is particularly true of a spouse, a child, or a long-term acquaintance. |
| Is this moment the right time for the person to receive this criticism? Is the person dealing with enough tough stuff that he/she doesn’t need any more? |
| Do you have enough time to debrief with the person and work through the impact of the criticism? You shouldn’t just level a criticism and walk away. |
| Are you sure the person needs a criticism? Would a positive affirmation instead be more helpful? |
| Have you expressed confidence in the person’s ability to change? |
| Is the criticism specific? Is it something the other person can get a hold of and grasp? When leveling a criticism, focus on one or two issues only. Never dump a whole wagon-load that had accumulated over many years. Marge and Suzie were talking. Marge said, "My husband got historical on me last night." Suzie responded, "Don’t you mean hysterical?" Marge said, "No, historical. He got upset with me and told me everything I had done wrong in the last 20 years." Getting historical is dangerous. |
Receiving criticism
It is one thing to give criticism. It is a whole different issue to receive it. Persons who give criticism also have to be prepared to receive it. How well do you receive criticism?
| First, assume that all criticism leveled at you is friendly. Obviously it isn’t. But work on the assumption that it is. |
| Most criticism has a grain of truth in it. Pick up that grain and see what you can learn from it. How can you improve behavior and function better as a Christian worker? |
| Don’t take it personally and respond defensively. Listen closely to what is being said and to what is not being said. Criticism forces us to re-examine our position and our actions. |
| There are times we are called upon to make minor course corrections. At other times we are asked to make major adjustments. Are you flexible enough to make the required adjustments? |
Harry is a colleague. We have worked together for many years. I trust him. I know he has the best interest of the church at heart. Harry has some tough things to say to me. It hurts, but I have to listen. He loves Jesus, the church and me. I do know he has my best interest at heart. I will carefully assess what he is saying to me. After that assessment, I will make necessary course corrections and move on. If I believe the criticism is not just, I will attempt to explain myself without becoming angry. Then, we will move on. Because we both have been Christian gentlemen, we can proceed with our relationship intact.
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November 1, 2001. Volume 4, Issue 12. People Spots Online is prepared by James W. Moss, Sr., and Church Consultants. It is provided as a service by New Life Ministries, www.NewLifeMinistries-NLM.org. Articles may be duplicated and reproduced in any way with proper credit. A new article is produced about every two weeks. To be added to a list to receive these messages directly by e-mail, send a request to churchconsultants@yahoo.com.